“Climate change?” said she, coughing from the smoke billowing into Minnesota skies as Canadian forests burn. “Ha! Not real.”
She continued:
No, of course climate change isn’t real. What's that, you say — 90% of the state’s tamarack trees have died in the past five years?
Poo on that! That's not because of climate change. It's because of some beetle. What, the beetles are living longer because it's warmer? Well, who cares? Tamarack trees are ugly, anyway, skinny little brushy trees. Who needs 'em!
People are always crying "climate change" because they want to control us. Yeah, I don’t know who “they” is. I mean, I don’t know their names or anything. Somebody who hates our freedom. We can continue to live how we want! Tear down those little cabins and build bigger houses that require more fuel to heat and cool! Jet around the world! New clothes, new furniture, new cars! Spending makes the world go ‘round!
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And what’s that, you say? We keep breaking temperature records? Our summers getting hotter and hotter? Our winter nights getting not as cold? Oh, that’s just cyclical. Pay no attention to that. It’ll get colder again. You just wait.
And for goodness sake, those people who live on Kiribati where the rising saltwater sea has wiped out coconut groves, well, that doesn’t affect me. That’s halfway around the world, and goodness, nobody should have built there anyway. They have a fix for that anyway, don’t they? Going to build their island higher? Well, see? They have a solution all figured out. Build higher. Boom. Done.
Well, no, I don’t remember the smoke from Canadian fires drifting down to Minnesota when I was a kid, but that doesn’t mean the climate is changing. Just more lightning strikes is all. Drier forests? Well, I don’t know anything about that.
Minnesota waters are getting warmer? Well, that just makes it better for swimming, right? Oh, yeah, they say that about walleye and trout, but they’ll never let those fish die out. They’ll keep stocking them. That’s what matters. What’s that you say? It makes it better for algae too? Well, they can spray for that, can’t they? Can’t they treat that somehow?
Oh, for crying out loud. No, those condos in Miami didn’t collapse because of climate change. Well, I don’t know why they did collapse, but they’re just saying that. They want to tie everything to climate change. Climate change this! Climate change that! You just wait, pretty soon every time they sneeze, they’ll be blaming it on climate change. Oh, what? They’re saying the allergy season is getting longer? Well, what did I tell you! I should become one of those psychics you see on TV.
You can’t turn on the news nowadays with all these dire predictions. Goodness gracious. The way they carry on, you’d think the world was ending. Goodbye for now! I’m climbing into my fossil-fuel-guzzling SUV!
Cough, cough.
“It’s Our Turn” is a weekly column that rotates among members of the Echo Press editorial staff.
