In the Know column: Miracle Whip vs. Mayo?

By Tim Urness, Alexandria, MN

Anyone else think we should finally have something for people to argue about? I’m certain that right now there isn’t one topic that is pulling people onto two or more different sides and causing tension

Masks or No Masks? No one ever shares their feelings on this one.

Jeff or Maureen? Nope.

COVID-19. Real or fake? Another topic I don’t hear much about.

Pro-Vax or Anti-Vax? I wish someone would please start showing some passion around this subject and voice an opinion.

I can’t think of anything right now dividing us as a community in Alexandria, splitting the state of Minnesota, or peeling apart the USA.

So, to give people something to talk about, to argue on, to protest – read today’s column. I’m going to share some epic battles that really matter. Starting with the tasty sandwich spread:

MAYO vs. MIRACLE WHIP: Any common sense person knows that when constructing a sandwich there is more to it than three simple steps: 1. Bread 2. Meat 3. More bread. True, following these three steps technically counts as a sandwich, I want to add some additional flavor and bite! Insert your veggies, maybe some butter, avocado, even cheese…..but, a sandwich isn’t complete without a nice spreading of Miracle Whip on it! I said Miracle Whip. This spread is far better than Mayo in so many different categorical rankings. Some of you might even be saying, “What about Hellmans?” Not a chance, people!

OK, start disagreeing. Send me nasty Facebook posts. Write me the letter spewing your vocal displeasure for this comment. Even make T-shirts using #gotohellmans. And, by chance you see me in public eating a sandwich with bland Mayo on it, please sneak a photo of this and publicly destroy me.

Wonder if everyone in my house agrees? Well, we don’t. I’m the only one smart enough to like Miracle Whip. So, how do we live in harmony? We buy one bottle of each. The Miracle Whip is all mine while the Mayo is for every other fool in my house who clearly has confused taste.

SOLUTION: We agreed to disagree on this vital topic and did so in a polite manner. Yes, it takes up more fridge space, but my wife and I can look at each other knowing we enjoy our own sandwich spread.

Feeling the tension? Let’s crank it up a notch.

FOLDING A BATH TOWEL: From age 19-25, I was responsible for folding my towels. To make this process easier, I simply decided to wash them as little as possible. But, when I did, I folded them in a way that looked nice and allowed them to be stackable. I would fold them the long way (hot dog style) and then flop them in half.

Anyone else fold it “hot dog” style first? Let me hear you people. Speak up! Scream! Tell everyone out there we rock! And those other folks they’re foolish. I have yard signs available if you want to pick some up. (When you do, please send money to www.timfoldsthetowels.org.)

Jumping ahead to marriage in 2004 – turns out I was folding them completely incorrect. Surely my way was “right.” But after some (many) gentle reminders from Carrie that my way of folding them “didn’t look nice on the shelves,” I finally agreed she was right. So I was mature enough to admit my faults on how to fold towels. Want to know her method? Fold (hamburger style), then flip, turn, triple lindy, back fold, crease, flop and smooth, or something like that.

SOLUTION: By sharing my reasoning, combined with her rationale, I admitted that her way was better.

Onto the third topic that will lead to conspiracy theories and government doubt…

FAN AT NIGHT OR NOT: This is simple. I want a fan on at night in the bedroom. The soft white noise and gentle air flow plays key role in my beauty sleep. If everyone wants to be as funny, smart, good looking, humble, and athletic as I am, then let's agree that sleeping with a fan on is necessary! Send me a text that says, “Hey Tim, I’m a huge fan of no fan!” and I promise to delete your number and our friendship is over.

SOLUTION: Carrie agrees with me! Took some time to adjust but ask her how life-changing this has been.

“What’s your point Tim Urness?”

We all know there are times in life when we will disagree. And disagreeing is a great thing. Thank goodness our entire world doesn’t think the exact same way. Our country encourages us to think for ourselves and freedom of speech lets us share our ideas and opinions, even when they aren’t the same. But disagreeing doesn’t mean rude, crude, hate or disrespect.

Sometimes a compromise makes sense (have Miracle WHIP and Mayo; sometimes the other route is better (folding towels); and sometimes your viewpoint is correct (nightly fan usage).

We can and should disagree, but let’s be kind while doing so. Can we tone down the yelling, threats, name calling, insults, putdowns, and social media posts? Can we all agree to share our differences in a civil and respectful fashion? I hope we can start to heal these massive divides; well, except for the Hellmans, that’s just nasty. #gotohellmans.

Tim Urness is actively involved in service groups in the Alexandria area. “In the Know” is a rotating column written by community leaders from the Douglas County area.