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In the Know column: 22 random facts for 2022

Enjoy these 22 random facts about Timothy Jon (not “John”) Urness.

Urness Stadium.jpg
Tim Urness at his favorite stadium, PNC Park, to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates play. He makes the annual trip with the same college buddies Aaron, Jason and Chris.<br/><br/>
Contributed photo

By Tim Urness, Alexandria, MN

Since this column is called “In The Know,” it’s time you get to know this author a bit better. Enjoy these 22 random facts about Timothy Jon (not “John”) Urness.

1. I enjoy doubling numbers in my head to see how far I can get. For example, 1,2,4,8,16, 32, and so on. I usually do well until I get to 2,097,152.

2. It drives me bonkers when the digital clocks don’t match on our microwave and oven. At home AND at the office.

3. I still put raisins and peanut butter on celery pieces. Even though my former colleagues tease me for eating kid snacks, you’re never too old for “ants on a log.”

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4. I have been to 26 of the 30 Major League Baseball Stadiums. It’s been a fun goal to accomplish with college buddies. In case you’re curious which four I have left: Yankees, Mets, Angels and Dodgers. Best stadium by far is where the Pittsburgh Pirates play.

5. Some pet peeves that most people can live with, but I cannot, include: wet socks, hard butter, and generic Q-tips. I have promised myself that I will always splurge on name brand Q-tips. Those basic bland ear swabs provide no padding for these large ears.

6. I always misspell is “GUARANTEE.” For some reason I go the “GAURANTEE” route.

7. While growing up in Winona, all three Urness kids were required to do at least two years of piano lessons. My older siblings each did their two years. However, my parents got so sick of me complaining and whining about it that they let me quit after five weeks. I still regret this. All I can play on piano is the first line to “Take me Out to the Ballgame.”

8. While driving my car, I like to read the digits on the odometer and score it as a cribbage hand. Right now I’m at 68,123…..which is good for 5 cribbage points.

9. I am 44 years old and have never had alcohol, nicotine or marijuana.

10. I am 44 years old and have consumed way more Swiss Cake Rolls and Mountain Dew than one person should.

11. I have no clue what my kids’ phone numbers are, but I can rattle off the numbers of my best friends growing up (Mike Mohan and Adam Stockhausen).

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12. My three front teeth on top are all fake. I lost them in a fundraiser basketball game thanks to the elbow of Football Coach Mike Empting, who was ironically a teammate of mine. My teeth are now much straighter!

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Tim Urness' selfie in 2008 immediately after some dental damage playing basketball in Alexandria.
Contributed photo

13. One question I ask God: “Why did you invent olives?” Both black and green. They serve no purpose for any right-minded human.

14. When I was an eighth-grade “rebel,” I snuck onto a carnival ride at the Winona County Fair without paying the $4 ticket. To this day it still bothers my conscience.

15. If the following talents were Olympic events, I am confident I could win the Gold: quoting lines from Dumb and Dumber, making Chewbacca noises with my throat, and alphabetizing our spices at home.

16. Some events I really stink at are: ice skating, mowing my yard efficiently, and chewing my food quietly. At least that’s what my wife, Carrie, says. Her loving reminder each meal is “you don’t need to inhale the food — just put your mouth around it without the sucking noise.”

17. I am confident that no one in Douglas County has had more colonoscopies than I have by age 44. My current tally is 37 scopes! If you can beat this number, please shoot me a note! I’m sure we can swap some sweet laxative stories!

18. My personal record for most Burger King Whoppers eaten in one day is five! I was a senior in high school and completed this amazing feat with my buddy, Bubba. It was a Wednesday (of course they were always 99-cents on Wednesdays), and we both ate three for lunch that day and then went back for supper to eat two more.

19. After high school, I attended a Junior College in Austin, Minnesota for two years to collect my AA degree. While there I played basketball but actually won two state championships on the tennis team. Never played prior — was only on the team for 4 weeks, had to borrow a racquet from the coach, and only played because my girlfriend at the time also played tennis. Some night over apps and a cold Dew I will share with you how I won the title at #5 singles and #3 doubles — and haven’t played since.

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20. I’m pretty sure I am the only man in Douglas County that: cannot back up a trailer/boat, has zero interest in going to the Boundary Waters, and doesn’t own a chainsaw.

21. I have completed two marathons in my life. Those were 50 pounds ago.

Now you are “In The Know” a bit more about me. And you don’t have to wait until my funeral to learn all of these amazing life changing facts about me. Oh, and by the way:

22: The meal I planned for my funeral is egg salad sandwiches (made with Miracle Whip of course!) along with Cheetos and Mountain Dew! My wife says not everyone loves egg salad. Well, if that’s the case don’t come to my funeral — I didn’t want you there anyways!

Tim Urness is actively involved in service groups in the Alexandria area. “In the Know” is a rotating column written by community leaders from the Douglas County area.

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