Editorial - This Thanksgiving, talk turkey about family health issues

Kay P.
11/29/2009 7:46 AM

I'm not so sure that either of my folks would appreciate any of us kids bringing up their age or health related "issues" in the rather "public" family gathering of mixed ages and relationships of the various attendees of our traditional Thanksgiving feast. While I agree that it's an important topic to discuss with all that are considered "immediate" family members...it's not something to openly discuss in front of grandchildren, cousins, aunts or uncles, inlaws, etc. UNLESS the "subject" of the conversation is agreeable to the direction and the members involved in the discussion. My parents would view it as an invasion of their privacy if I chose to openly discuss my concerns without privately discussing those concerns with either one of them. Neither of them would appreciate being "boxed" into a corner and put on the defensive, especially if it involves any personally embarrassing issues that they would rather not become common knowledge of the entire extended "family". If there are immediate or serious concerns for situations that need intervention or attention, then perhaps, a "meeting" of immediate family members occurs without the inclusion of the parent in question. At that time, the whole group can be enlightened of the problems and work collectively to arrange for a time when their concerns can be addressed in a less formal setting, perhaps there is someone in the family that is more diplomatic and able to compassionately address serious aging problems. I know that IF all of my children, along with siblings or other relatives, came at me all at once, I would definiately feel like I was being attacked or railroaded into a decision that only serves to relieve their conscience but does nothing to address my wishes. I'd be mortified if my cousins were informed (over pumpkin pie) of some personal or intimate details that they really have no business knowing in the first place. Elderly people are still entitled to their dignity and to have their privacy RESPECTED regardless of their current mental state. If one has to have the "talk", ask yourself if you would appreciate being asked or told, what you are about to ask or tell your parent or someone else. Some people seem to have the knack of taking on complicated situations and maintain a certain level of tact. That person should be the go-to person and be the one to handle delicate subjects...it may make the difference between an amiable situation or a combative one. It's definately a tough issue to resolve if it gets off on the wrong foot initially. Pick the battle of wills wisely and don't forget to respect and maybe, making a transition can be done without tearing a family up. I remember all too well, what it was like when my grandparents needed more care than we could provide. It was, and continues to be, a sore point among some of the siblings, and it has been YEARS since they passed away.

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